Anti Monkey Butt

I was recently waiting to check out at Ace Hardware when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a brightly colored yellow bottle with a picture of a baboon with a red butt and a big smile. After picking up the bottle and looking more closely, I learned that it contained Anti Monkey Butt Anti Friction Powder with Calamine.

At first I wondered, is it fair for some business to capitalize on the misfortune of the baboon that can’t actually do anything about its big red butt since that’s the way God created them. Shouldn’t there be some animal rights group that could sue, or at least protest, the Anti Monkey Butt Corporation for the iniquitous and humiliating treatment of a defenseless animal.

Next I began to wonder, has monkey butt among humans become enough of a problem in America that Ace Hardware should display Anti Monkey Butt powder right next to the flashlight batteries and candy bars. Is our fast paced and hurried world causing an increase in perspiration in those areas on the human anatomy where friction occurs resulting in suffering from those annoying rashes?

As I was reflecting, my mind drifted back to those 90 degree days on the farm when I was baling or pouring concrete and I would end the day with a serious case of monkey butt. For those who feel uncomfortable with defining that sweaty rash as “monkey butt,” I used Google to find out the official medical term and discovered that a doctor would diagnose it as “chafing.”

I also discovered that if you have chronic monkey butt, you should consider seeing a dermatologist, although, believe it or not, some holistic spas may offer treatment to your backside in the same way they would with facials. However, they also advised to consult with a licensed esthetician before you get a facial on your butt. J

That being said, in order to learn more about the demand and effectiveness of the Anti Monkey Butt product, I thought I would ask my friend at the checkout counter a few questions. First I asked her if there was a good market for the product. And she said they actually sell quite a bit of it. I then asked her if she had any experience with the product, or if it actually worked. Although she had never used the product, customers had shared with her that it is indeed an effective sweat absorber and friction fighter. When I asked if anyone tried to return their bottle of Anti Monkey Butt powder for a refund, she replied that she wasn’t aware of anyone.

Her responses were proof enough for me, and so just in case that dreadful experience would reoccur, I decided to purchase a bottle. As I was walking out the door I began to chuckle; isn’t it funny that God created our bodies in such a way that the combination of excess perspiration and friction would result in monkey butt.

As I climbed into my pickup, I then wondered what it was like for the Israelites wandering in the desert; what did they use to address the uncomfortable burning sensation? Sand? Corn starch?  I hope this article has brightened your day, for a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

And may it not be so with you, but if you’re ever in church and the friction has resulted in chafing, feel free to stop by my office, the bright yellow bottle is on my book shelf. Just grab a pinch to put between your cheeks.

Best wishes, Mike Altena

 

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